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A 1997 interview for FHM after the release of The Phantom
Valley Girl
I'm in Los Angeles' most up-town celebrity eatery, The Four Seasons and, honestly, I have never had such good service in a restaurant. Waiters who'd normally swan past me with lofty disdain are flocking to my table if I so much as lift a pinky. I make a mental note: I really must remember to bring Catherine Zeta Jones with me when I come for lunch in future.
In newspaper terms, Catherine Zeta Jones seemed simply to have disappeared. In real life, though, she had made a big career decision: she had relocated to Los Angeles, where for the last few months she's been living the Hollywood dream. Coasting up Sunset in her drop-top Merc, hanging with the Hollywood crowd. And - glory! - managing to squeeze in an appearance in one of the summer's biggest US movie hits, The Phantom, a comic book caper that's been wedged inside the American box office top ten for the last six weeks. Catherine Zeta Jones loves LA. And more importantly, LA loves Catherine Zeta Jones.
As she picks at her grilled ahi tuna loin (very much the stars' dish of choice this month in Hollywood), she outlines her diary for the next week and it's all meetings with movie business big-wigs here, and parties with the stars there. Tonight, she informs me brightly, she's going to the premiere of Eraser, Arnold Schwarzennegger's new film. As Arnie's date. Which is, I think we can safely say, at least two fingers up to her critics back home...
Have American blokes been doing ridiculous things to try and win you over?
No, not quite. But someone did offer me his Lear Jet.
What?
I stupidly gave out my number to this guy I met at a party and he started calling and leaving messages. I didn't answer them. The last one was like 'my Lear Jet is fuelled and ready to take us to any place you want to go to in the world.' And he was totally serious. He sounded like that Bond villain, Blofeld. But at least it's more glamorous than inviting me down the pub and buying me a packet of pork scratchings.
Are the Americans better at chatting up?
No. I was at the Mission Impossible premiere the other night and this bloke comes up to me, dead serious, stares straight into my eyes and goes "Virgo, right?" So I crease up and nearly drop to the floor in hysterics. He's following me around going, "You're Aquarius rising, I can feel it," and I'm like, "Piss off, go fly your freak flag somewhere else" - which is this new phrase I've picked up. Very effective.
My God, sounds like he was about to stroke a crystal.
No, but he was definitely about to stroke something else.
So if it wasn't for the men, why did you come to LA?
It was the end of a chapter in my life, both personally and professionally. I needed to make a clean break, so I sold the house in Fulham and got on a plane. Plus I'm in this big summer film with Billy Zane called The Phantom which opened here last week, and I wanted to capitalise on that. Hollywood is all about immediacy. So, if you're not here to meet them while your film's out, they forget about you. I'm a jobbing actress and I have bills to pay, so I take the work that I'm given, but I've been offered so much of that costume drama stuff that I've decided to hold back. I've turned a lot of stuff down this year. I've come here because I have been offered work and I have a real chance at cracking Hollywood.
Are there any other cultural differences you're having to adjust to?
Socially it's very different. Strangers talk to you like they're your long-lost friend. Generally people here seem to be on Prozac and I wish I was sometimes. But I've adapted to it all pretty quickly. It's fine after you get the driving sorted. The other day I turned off the freeway exit and smashed my car straight into a supermarket wall. I've got the hang of it now. It's just like bumper cars.
Have you made any faux pas as far as Hollywood etiquette is concerned?
I don't think so. But everyone hates my smoking. This town is full of nicotine Nazis.
Who do you play in The Phantom?
A villainess. The head of a crack female fighter squadron. I basically play this highly sexually-charged pilot.
So it was a bit of a stretch. . .
Not really. I took to it like a duck to water. The only stretch was getting into the figure-hugging uniform.
Has anyone here asked for Mariette's autograph?
No, but I was recognised by this kid in the supermarket the other day. He was chasing me through the dairy section going, "Hey, pop, it's the chick from The Phantom." It was pretty cool. You know you've arrived in Hollywood when you've got your first teenage stalker.
They say LA is great if you want to make it, but if you want to fall in love, it's the worst place in the world. How does that make you feel?
Glad, because I haven't come here to fall in love. I want to be happy in myself. And right now I am happy. I'm not so romantic that I think Prince Charming is going to ride up and sweep me off my feet and that I'm going to be with him when I'm 60. I've changed a lot recently. Me and Angus were engaged for more than a year and my ambition at one point was to get married and have kids - which is really funny in retrospect. But I just have different priorities now. I'm having fun.
It must be a relief not to be hounded by the tabloid press wherever you go.
Absolutely. I love the anonymity. It's nice to walk down the street and not be pointed at or whatever. At times in the UK it was a nightmare. I haven't had anything out for a year but in England they still follow me around Sainsburys. It used to really piss me off and I'd have fantastic car chases around London. I even crashed my car once trying to get away from this weasel - I accelerated so fast around a corner that I drove straight into a lamp-post! I got snapped in the street recently and I was wearing my favourite old jacket - this really knackered army surplus thing. It was really cold and I had it pulled up really tight. The picture turned up in the paper and they said, "Poor old Cath - look at her, she used to be the toast of he celebrity scene and now she's a bag lady." Oh yeah, I'm suicidal! The original Princess of Wales - but without the bulimia! Looking back on it, being famous is a strange thing anyway and I often felt I was famous for the wrong things - being in papers and stuff. Those were such formative years for me and growing up in public was a little frightening. It's such a relief to be away from that kind of nonsense.
Is your life just a string of premieres and special charity luncheons with perma-tanned hunks?
No. I'm not wining, dining and sixty-nining the stars, if that's what you mean!
You obviously haven't been up to Jack Nicholson's place on Mulholland yet.
I'm sure it won't be long. I'm looking forward to meeting him more than ever. I've always liked him. I never had run-of-the-mill heroes. I love bad boys. And I still fancy him. He's such a bad boy!
You once said you wanted to be known as a good actress, not as a tabloid personality, but isn't being a good actress a difficult thing to do in Hollywood? After all, the biggest stars aren't necessarily the best actors.
It's hard to be a good actress anywhere. Especially if you have a pretty face and a good body. But when you walk down the streets here, you see what incredible bodies people have. Thank God I'm not here to compete with the Baywatch babes.
You're not exactly a hunchback. So what's the worst script you've ever been sent?
I turned down a True Romance/Natural Born Killers type of thing because I didn't like the subject matter. They wanted me to have my body sliced up and, of course, I was naked. And there was another one - a sci-fi script. They wanted me to play this evil empress who captures all these aliens and brings them back to her home planet where she forces them to compete for their lives in this intergalactic evil basketball tournament.
A masterwork of world cinema in the making, surely.
The funny bit was they wanted me to wear this prosthetic cone on my head which covered my whole face as well.
So you looked like a large erection...
Exactly. But I could have been Ena Sharples under all the make-up.
You're famously badly behaved on red wine. What's the vintage like over here?
Actually, I stopped drinking red wine because it started to get me depressed, so I'm back on the bubbly now. I wouldn't want to get too out of control. If I'm going to get hammered, I need to know I'm going to be carried to bed and left for a few days in a dark room to recover. But the last blow-out was last night. Me and some mates piled into the limo and went to the House of Blues on Sunset Boulevard and got legless. Then we went on to some other club and that actress Helen Slater was playing piano. She was brilliant. Only in LA do you go out to watch a band featuring Supergirl on keyboards. I don't remember what happened after that. It's all a blur. But I know it was fun.
Are you aware of the power you have over men?
Of course. You have to be. I don't want to sound arrogant but I'm aware that I'm an attractive woman and that carries with it a certain responsibility. I'm sure a lot of men at home still have my poster up on their wall or stuck to the lid of their tool box or something.
Do you ever think about the fact that a lot of those men have, shall we say, spent a little too much time with that picture in private?
It's weird and it can be freaky sometimes, but if they're having fun, why not? Certain men put you on a pedestal and see you as some kind of superwoman. But, I'm just a normal girl. One of my brothers is a jobbing spark and the other brother's a rep. I come from a real family, I'm not from outer space. And in any case, a lot of the fans who write to me are women.
What's the most romantic thing in the world?
A man cooking for me is very romantic. It could be caviar or champagne or even beans on toast served to you when you least expect it. I love to be romanced. God, I sound really stupid and psychologically disturbed! I love being taken away for the weekend and not knowing where I'm going. I like to have flowers. I like to have kisses when I wake up in the morning. I like to be pampered.
How exactly?
I'd want to be bathed in a massive hot tub first, then rubbed down with warmed herbal oils and after that have an endless foot and back massage performed by my expert lover with his masterful hands.
Presumably this would be happening somewhere on a tropical island?
It could be a Tahitian Island or the Isle of Dogs. I wouldn't care.
Any other fantasies?
It would depend on my mood. It could be cuddling up with my man in bed and watching telly. Or it could be my man driving up on his Harley, throwing me on the back and driving at 100 miles an hour to the beach where we'd strip off and pour Dom Perignon over each other before he ravaged me in the surf as waves crashed uncontrollably over us.
So what are your other very personal turn-ons?
I've forgotten, it's been so long. (Laughs) Anyone who reminds me of that thing from Inspector Gadget, you know, "Go, go Gadget rocket skates!"
Pardon?
You know, someone who can surprise me with a selection of motorised attachments and detachable appliances. Basically, anything by Zanussi gets me really hot. Where's the nearest laundrette?
Overall, you're ruled by your sexuality rather than by your emotions then.
No, I'm definitely ruled by my emotions. I fluctuate a lot in my emotions. I'm pretty volatile as well - maybe that's the Welsh in me. I can rage and shout and then forget about it immediately. People I'm in love with can be daunted by that.
What's your favourite part of your body?
My spine. It's very flexible and sensitive. And very sexy. See? Remember I'm a trained dancer.
If you were offered a million to appear in Playboy, would you do it?
I certainly love my body and I know how strange it feels as a woman for men to want to look at it. But at the end of the day it's a business and the business is Catherine Zeta Jones. If someone is going to offer you that kind of money to show off your body, you'd be stupid not to consider it pretty damn seriously.
What's your greatest fear in life?
Being alone when I'm old. I just don't get it when they find a pensioner's body in a flat three weeks after he's died. Whenever I pass a derelict house, I always peek through the windows to see if there are any corpses there.
How do you see yourself at 30?
I'm looking forward to it because I have no idea what it will be like. You never know, I could be on a farm in Wales with lots of animals.
Speaking of animals, have you eaten any beef since the BSE scare?
I went off it as soon as the news was announced. So the first day I got out here, I treated myself to a big, fat, juicy American steak. Magic.
And what's your position on bulls' semen?
Well, I know it's very, very good for the complexion, but I'm still only a casual user. I have the same relationship to bulls' semen as Bill Clinton has to marijuana - I don't inhale.
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